A Girl Can Dream

The fact that I studied in Dublin for almost 3 years make me quite delusional at this moment.

Life is hard. Life is harsh. I am honestly not good at juggling being a mom - wife - doctor. To be honest, I tried to be almost perfect for these three roles but I ended up being suck. Well yeah, the first time is always hard for everyone. Hopefully I get better at these as time goes by. But for now, I just need to suck in all the guilt that I felt whenever I feed our Umar with instant porridge. Hah. Or when I am clueless at managing patient in ward. Ouch.

 I don't how, why, or who implanted this delusional chip in my head that make me thought my life would be best if I migrated to oversea. Is it because of the phrase that the grass is always greener on the other side? Well, I once tasted the grass (ew). I still can feel the warmth in my heart during the winter, listening to Coldplay 'Violet Hill'. I've done some reading online, the pay is average but the working time, the environment and career progress in the UK/Iere is better than here in Malaysia.

I don't want to sound patriotic, but I really love serving this country and its people. This is where I belong. But I am having hard time to picture my future here in Malaysia. I love this country but sometimes I feel stagnant here. I don't want to be stagnant. If the river become stagnant it will become smelly. If people become stagnant, somehow you rot internally.

As I am approaching the end of this housemanship training, I become more anxious about the future. Where/what should I do after this? In my mind, I thought of doing family medicine. Maybe specialise in mother and child health. It sounds pretty dreamy in my head: me - a family medicine specialist. Great work - life balance. I serve the country and its people. Spend time with the community so they can improve their health, and spend more time with my loved ones - especially my husband and my son. Pretty dreamy. And almost too perfect. And I hate it to be perfect because I have to be suck at it in the first place, right? Whatever. A girl can dream. :)